You are stronger than any terrible possible scenario today

There’s a calm about the mornings that I enjoy; its something I can’t grasp at any given point in the day. Maybe its the crisp morning air, full of dew and rising sun, as I sit listening to the birds sing. Maybe its the fact that its so quiet I can hear my thoughts and actually pay attention to Jesus without distractions. The combination of the two was just awesome this morning, especially seeing the sky break out into radiant oranges and pinks before finally settling on this sunny blue. Whatever it was, I needed that quiet time. I needed the reassurance, that while I may be a stupid, idiotic woman most of the time, that Christ has it under control and will help me overcome it…or at least will help me work through it.

I’m not really sure where in my walk with Jesus I am. There was a point in time that I just knew with all my heart that I was going to be on the mission field; doing something in a Spanish speaking country. I was in love with the language and the people and history. I’m not sure what happened. I remember spouting off phrase to Bobby and Sarah all the time; reading my Spanish/English Bible and all I know is at some point I just stopped. There was a point in time I just knew that He called me to be a worship leader. I loved every aspect of it…until I let the praises go to my head and stopped worshiping to worship but, in an essence, to be praised for my talent. Once I realized what I was doing, I stopped and haven’t done anything of the sort for about 2 years now; instead, praising God how he should be praised–with my whole heart. There was a point in time where I knew that I was going to finish school early; by a year-and-a-half in fact. By the time I finished sophomore year, I was a few credits off from being a senior. Then burn-out hit me, and now I find myself a college drop-out for the time being. I’m just so unsure of what is it I’m doing and where exactly I’m supposed to be going. I had/have dreams of traveling; of seeing places; of not being tied down to one location for good. Did I give up on those dreams? Am I settling for something instead of actually taking the bait that God has set before me to do things that will actually fulfill me? Things that will fulfill me in aspects that can only be through His providence and guidance? I’m just not sure anymore. I don’t have any drive, any ambition. I know God calls us to rest and to be still and quiet for a while, but I can’t figure out if this is Him telling me to shut-up and be quiet, or if its from sheer laziness and lack of motivation on my part.

Living
Am I really living
Or am I just existing
Hiding away

Danger
The world is full of danger
But if I never try to go outside
My heart will waste away

Come and save me
You’re the only source of all the peace I need
Come and save me

You tell me life will not be pain free
What will be will always be in your control
Darkness is light to you
And all you ask me to do
Is trust what you say is true

You are stronger
Than any terrible possible scenario today
Come and save me
You’re the only source of all the peace I need
Come and save me

Save me.

figuring things out...

…because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. (Romans 8: 14)

I’ve been wondering lately just how “christianized” my life has been and is now. If I do certain things just because its the “christian” way of doing so. I’ve been second-guessing things I’ve grown up believing to be wrong, or not of God. I’ve begun to realize that I’m not necessarily as sweet as I used to be…I’m not saying that I’m a sweet girl, but rather that I’m realizing the way in which I conduct myself around others is not the same. I’m more crass. I’ve started to get a mouth in which my mother would wash out with soap if she ever heard me. In fact, I’m amazed that I’ve actually allowed myself to do this. And no, I can’t blame the people around me. I’m not stupid enough to even think that. Its a personal thing. But I can’t figure out where this is coming from. Is it years of rebellion that is finally breaking free as I’m coming into my own person? I’m living on my own for the first time ever (legitimatally). I’m working two jobs to pay my bills and learning that money is an issue…as well as trusting God to work. I’ve gone from the i have to call my parents multiple times a day/listening to anything other than christian music is wrong/you shouldnt cuss, drink, or do whatever else/little naive girl to waking up and finding out what life is about. There are so many things that I have yet to experience and I find that part of it is because I’ve been so sheltered. Not that it was a wrong thing to do–I’m very thankful for the innocence my parents were able to instill in me, and how innocent I am to this very day on a lot of things. But there are things that I know and/or feel that I could have been allowed that wouldnt not have been “of God” so to say.

I’m not sure if this is even making any sense….I just feel like I’m slowly metamorphosing into another person and I’m not quite sure who she is or what she believes in completely. I know that my Savior is someone that I should be completely in love with…and yet I’m not there. Praying out loud scares me and I hate doing it…no matter how much certain people nag me about it. In fact, I’m going to go as far as to say that I usually take a distraction over spending time w. Jesus…and thats just so shameful of me. But why? Why do I view it as shameful? Is it shameful because it would show to others I’m not the good christian girl who’s so in love with God that I spend every waking hour talking to him? Or is it shameful because my spirit is not intune to His and I know and feel it and yet am choosing not too? I think its the answer to these questions that is starting to define me. I’m realizing that I’m not the goody-two shoes that I grew up as. I don’t have everything together and I definitely don’t know Christ as I should. But I’m not afraid anymore to admit that. This is who I am. This is who Christ has reedemed. And you know what? Its a beautiful thing. Because its through this struggle with myself that I’m finding Christ; its through this questioning of myself that He’s revealing to me just who He wants me to be. But its a choice of going after Him and listening and accepting the growth that is about to happen.

Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.

Its in this transition that I’m fully relating to Paul’s words in Romans 7:

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.

For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;

but I see another law at work in the members of my body,

waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.

What a wretched man I am!

Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Thanks be to God–through Jesus Christ our Lord!

It is those last 2 lines that hold such a promise to me. I know that God is going to transform me into the person that I’m supposed to be. Its a matter of tuning in to his Spirit and allowing Him to work in my life….because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God…and, well, the same goes for daughters.

its time to woman up.

The good news of Jesus brings interruptions in peoples lives…and I could use a good interruption.

I feel as though I am about to realize what it means to become a good steward of my time. I calculated it out today at work and realized that I’m about to work a 60+ hour week; of which 31 of those hours will be worked between thursday and friday. Yea…and I thought school was going to be stressful??? Its ok though. I have this strange peace about it all; as if I’m standing exactly where I am supposed to be; a feeling that I never had about school since the middle of sophomore year. Its pretty swell. I am nervous about actually starting my job tomorrow. Training and all. I know I’ll be okay and that I already know what I’ve gotten myself into thanks to the “work a day in the life of” last week. Its just, I’ve never had co-workers like this before. In fact, I’ve hardly ever surrounded myself with people like this before. I’m pretty sure this is God’s way of getting me to be uncomfortable and to learn how to love people. Which is something I know I need to work on, and I’ve known that for a while. I guess this is what I get for telling God I want to be challenged, right? Eth even mentioned the other day when we were talking how I need to learn to love on people who I might not necessarily get along with. The statement hurt because I’d like to think of myself as the type of person who can. But that’s not necessarily true. I just kind of clammed up and didn’t respond. I do that when people confront me with things I need to fix. But I shouldn’t. Sometimes God uses people to speak into our lives so that we can grow. Its a matter of if we are listening or not.

I guess I just want God’s favor in a lot of different aspects of my life right now. I want His favor in my jobs: in my interactions with my co-workers and customers, how I handle myself under stress, how to respond in different situations that I’ve never had to deal with before, how to stay pure in my thoughts and actions when I’m surrounded by cussing and attitudes that are so distant from God’s love. I want His favor in wherever this “relationship” with this guy is going: either friends or more–I just want clarity and peace about it all. I want His favor on what I’m doing with my life and in my life: that He’s constantly challenging me–expanding my thoughts and ideas and in essence, making me into what He would have me to be. I want His favor over my time with Him: that I would not just do what a christian is to do just because its “right”, but because He deserves my time; because He deserves my awe and my praise and my all. I want His favor with my relationships with my friends: not only to those I still keep in contact with, but those who I seemed to have burned bridges with. I just honestly want His favor over my life.

Pastor Tyler was talking about how favor means asking God to use us how he would and to provide for the needs that we encounter. I want God’s favor over and in my life so that when I meet people in need I can help them. And all for His glory, because its certainly not my own. I can barely help myself. I want to be able to pull people up from their mourning and into gladness. I want to show them a spirit of life and lightheartedness instead of despair. I want to show them Who is love and that He loves them so incredibly much. I want them to know that they are sought after by Jesus. I just don’t want to sit around and let my life be a waste when there is so much that I know He could be using me for. I want to be used.

Only let us live up to what we have already attained. -Phillippians 3:16

–I don’t know about you, but I’ve attained life, freedom, joy, love, and a crown that says I am a daughter of the Most High King. I need to start acting like I’ve already attained it, instead of acting like I need to earn it.

Grace, mercy, peace, and love be upon you.

its oh-ten sucka!!!

Over a year later and I’m back on this. I guess needing a way to get my thoughts out will always be needed. Its a good thing though. =]

So lets see…what’s happened this past year. I can now be classified as a college dropout barista who loves to bake and is currently working two jobs in order to solely support herself without adding to the national debt that is America. I also have a newly enhanced love of going to shows, going on road trips, and am defining myself in the process. Basically, I’m becoming the typical 21 year old who has reached the point of discovering themself and what God has in store for them. Its pretty chill. Especially the whole figuring out what God has in store for me bit. That’s the chillest part yet. So far I’ve figured out that He’s giving me new passions and that I’m actually pretty good at them. To the point that I’m starting to dream up ideas of what I might want to do in the future. And the opportunities that I’m running across are just fantastic door openings. One day I know I’ll go back and finish college….but I have no qualms about being a drop-out for now; in fact, its perfectly exciting.

I think this new job is going to stretch me–in a good way. I’m hoping that God does a work in me alone that drops the boundaries that I put up a lot of the time. Those boundaries aren’t going to work in a place like this. Its all about showing love to people and that is something I’ll be growing in.

Anyways. That’s all I got. I’m getting sidetracked by The Big Bang Theory….i forgot how funny season one is. ha!

peace, love, freshly baked bread and rosettas on your coffee.

the wilderness bites back, just fyi

I feel like a flimsy piece of vine, having been thrown into the fire and then rescued–burned and charred. Am I really good for anything? Was I ever good for anything? Because half-burned is no improvement when I once was whole.

Where, God, have I been unfaithful? If tonight was any small piece of the puzzle then, please, show me more. Even if it does hurt–its better to hurt myself then to unknowingly hurt others with my actions and words. I want this wilderness to be turned back into the rolling countryside that it was not too long ago. Where did that country life go?? Did my tame life allow me to be blinded by these sharp interjections that I bring about? Do I really not see myself for what and who I really am? Turning a blind eye to the distaste in my life? If so, then allow the wildness to continue! Let it bite back and reveal to me the faults that consume me! I don’t want to be a useless vine–I want to be a branch, one that is supported and supports those around me; healthy, loving, and providing growth. Teach me to “man up” in areas that I need to work on. I’m tired of wimping out and taking the easy way–make me stronger. But most of all, teach me Your will for my life. Interject Your wisdom into all areas and aspects of me. Bring me to a new countryside, a better one, far healthier than the one I came from. To get from point A to point B you have to take a walk. This is my walk through that wilderness.

Ezekiel 15 kinda sums it all up.

if its the beaches...

I think it might be safe to say I love my job…but I might wait a week before I make that statement official. The girls and I have clicked really well all things considering. I mean, take 2 guys, and 7 girls, and expect them all to get along without any problems on the 3rd time of ever meeting, and yea, I’d say you have a really good working crew.

The bosses put me on espresso duty. Can you say love???!!!! Ahhh, I can’t believe how much I’ve missed using one of those machines. That was my favorite part of working at the bookstore way back in the day. It was so easy to switch back into the mode of mixing drinks. And oh my goodness the smells–that wonderfully, rich, aroma–I was in heaven. At one point, I made 2 hazelnut cafe lattes and maybe its just the type of bean, but that was one of the best scents–it made me want to make myself one, and I’m not a huge fan of coffee unless it is iced and has chocolate added in. ha! Now I just need to work on the latte art…I still have yet to master that…but I plan to. I have to admit, though, I was a tad disheartened that none of my friends came out to see me for our mini-grand opening. I know, I know, they had plans, yada yada yada…..I guess I just expected a few at the very least to come out for it. But, my parents drove up. =] So that was pretty exciting. In fact, I was so busy making drinks, I didn’t see them in the line till they were ordering their sandwiches, and I went to “bus” their table later just so I could talk with them for a few minutes and get their reaction on the place. They both loved it, so I was pretty happy about that.

Overall, work is going to be a good experience. The only pain in the butt will be all the driving I will be doing. For instance, come Monday morning, I will have to be on the road at 5:50am in order to get to work by 7am. Then I will work 10 hours straight (minus our break), get off by 5, and depending on how energetic I am at that point will determine if I hang out with people or just head straight home. But I’m not complaining. I have a job. After like 5 months of searching for one, probably 10-20 interviews at various places, and too many emails to want to count, I have a job that I actually like. I’d definitley go as far as to say this is a God thing. =D

Speaking of God things, and whatnot, I’m not doing too well on my communication level with Him. Besides the random, ‘thanks God!’ I acknowledge through the day or stuff of that nature. I dunno. Even when I did the bible study with the guys this week, via skype nonetheless, I really didn’t feel like I had anything to offer. I’m not of a theological mind, nor am I good at analyzing things when it comes to literature. I’m not really sure how I passed english classes when it came to our analyzation essays on various topics and books–I despise them! Writing–love; analyzing–hate. Its just not me. I guess I feel that these guys know more theology then I do, along with knowing more about the history (another thing I’m not too fond of) and the setting and time period itself, that they just had way more to offer. And no offense to the bro, but I hate praying out loud in group settings. If you think I clam up in group discussions about things (because I normally don’t even talk in our mini-groups in class), its even worse when I have to pray out loud in front of people. My explanation of this is horrible, I know, but its not my gifting. And usually I’m okay with that…until someone asks me to pray and then it becomes a pride issue on should I or shouldn’t I. Which completely and utterly destroys the whole point of praying, because its not a thing you do based on pride. God doesn’t base his love on us praying to Him. He doesn’t sit there and go, “well, since you didn’t pray out loud in bible study, you don’t rank as high on my list of favorites as you used to.” That’s complete stupidity. And I shouldn’t feel like I have to put up a front with my friends and pray aloud just because they asked. Even still, I felt like a complete moron for not praying when bro asked me too….and I’ll admit, it stung a bit to myself that I even passed it off. But if I’m not comfortable doing it, and if my heart isn’t in the right place, and if I only did it to put up a good front/mask for my friends, then I really don’t think it would have helped anybody out, and I would have been too worried about what other people were thinking about what I was saying, then concentrating and meaning what I would have been saying to God. Did that rambling make any sense whatsoever??

Here, I’ll even bring into play a verse from the book we are reading this week:

For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say “No” to

Wouldn’t my pridefulness/mask/I’m doing this for me prayer have been something of ungodliness? Because I’m pretty sure that it wouldn’t have been so much for God and to God as it would have been for myself. *sigh* I’m really glad there are such things as blogs. It’s so much easier to type this all out than to write it out, causing my thoughts to actually reach the page much more quickly, therefore I’m not losing at much of my thought process. lol

Ok….enough with my ramblings that probably make no sense to anyone but myself. I need sleep so I can wake up early, study my butt off all day long for my exam, and then hit the sack early and actually sleep until I wake up sometime in the wee hours of 4 am.

But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved. –Hebrews 10:39
-peace, love, and Jesus tugging on your heartstrings.

Shadow of my hand

Listen to me,
you who pursue righteousness,
and who seek the Lord:
Look to the rock from which you were cut
and to the quarry from which you were hewn;
look to Abraham, your father,
and to Sarah, who gave you birth.
When I called him he was but one,
and I blessed him and made him many.
The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the Lord.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing.

Awake, awake!
Clothe yourself with strength.
The ransomed of the Lord will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Who are you that you fear mortal men -
that you live in constant terror every day
because of the wrath of the oppressor,
who is bent on destruction?
For I am the Lord your God,
who churns up the sea so that its waves roar -
the Lord Almighty is his name.
I have put my words in your mouth
and covered you with the shadow of my hand -
I who set the heavens in place,
who laid the foundations of the earth,
and who say to Zion,
"You are my people."


*my version of Psalm 51*