figuring things out...

…because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. (Romans 8: 14)

I’ve been wondering lately just how “christianized” my life has been and is now. If I do certain things just because its the “christian” way of doing so. I’ve been second-guessing things I’ve grown up believing to be wrong, or not of God. I’ve begun to realize that I’m not necessarily as sweet as I used to be…I’m not saying that I’m a sweet girl, but rather that I’m realizing the way in which I conduct myself around others is not the same. I’m more crass. I’ve started to get a mouth in which my mother would wash out with soap if she ever heard me. In fact, I’m amazed that I’ve actually allowed myself to do this. And no, I can’t blame the people around me. I’m not stupid enough to even think that. Its a personal thing. But I can’t figure out where this is coming from. Is it years of rebellion that is finally breaking free as I’m coming into my own person? I’m living on my own for the first time ever (legitimatally). I’m working two jobs to pay my bills and learning that money is an issue…as well as trusting God to work. I’ve gone from the i have to call my parents multiple times a day/listening to anything other than christian music is wrong/you shouldnt cuss, drink, or do whatever else/little naive girl to waking up and finding out what life is about. There are so many things that I have yet to experience and I find that part of it is because I’ve been so sheltered. Not that it was a wrong thing to do–I’m very thankful for the innocence my parents were able to instill in me, and how innocent I am to this very day on a lot of things. But there are things that I know and/or feel that I could have been allowed that wouldnt not have been “of God” so to say.

I’m not sure if this is even making any sense….I just feel like I’m slowly metamorphosing into another person and I’m not quite sure who she is or what she believes in completely. I know that my Savior is someone that I should be completely in love with…and yet I’m not there. Praying out loud scares me and I hate doing it…no matter how much certain people nag me about it. In fact, I’m going to go as far as to say that I usually take a distraction over spending time w. Jesus…and thats just so shameful of me. But why? Why do I view it as shameful? Is it shameful because it would show to others I’m not the good christian girl who’s so in love with God that I spend every waking hour talking to him? Or is it shameful because my spirit is not intune to His and I know and feel it and yet am choosing not too? I think its the answer to these questions that is starting to define me. I’m realizing that I’m not the goody-two shoes that I grew up as. I don’t have everything together and I definitely don’t know Christ as I should. But I’m not afraid anymore to admit that. This is who I am. This is who Christ has reedemed. And you know what? Its a beautiful thing. Because its through this struggle with myself that I’m finding Christ; its through this questioning of myself that He’s revealing to me just who He wants me to be. But its a choice of going after Him and listening and accepting the growth that is about to happen.

Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.

Its in this transition that I’m fully relating to Paul’s words in Romans 7:

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.

For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;

but I see another law at work in the members of my body,

waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.

What a wretched man I am!

Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Thanks be to God–through Jesus Christ our Lord!

It is those last 2 lines that hold such a promise to me. I know that God is going to transform me into the person that I’m supposed to be. Its a matter of tuning in to his Spirit and allowing Him to work in my life….because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God…and, well, the same goes for daughters.