figuring things out...

…because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. (Romans 8: 14)

I’ve been wondering lately just how “christianized” my life has been and is now. If I do certain things just because its the “christian” way of doing so. I’ve been second-guessing things I’ve grown up believing to be wrong, or not of God. I’ve begun to realize that I’m not necessarily as sweet as I used to be…I’m not saying that I’m a sweet girl, but rather that I’m realizing the way in which I conduct myself around others is not the same. I’m more crass. I’ve started to get a mouth in which my mother would wash out with soap if she ever heard me. In fact, I’m amazed that I’ve actually allowed myself to do this. And no, I can’t blame the people around me. I’m not stupid enough to even think that. Its a personal thing. But I can’t figure out where this is coming from. Is it years of rebellion that is finally breaking free as I’m coming into my own person? I’m living on my own for the first time ever (legitimatally). I’m working two jobs to pay my bills and learning that money is an issue…as well as trusting God to work. I’ve gone from the i have to call my parents multiple times a day/listening to anything other than christian music is wrong/you shouldnt cuss, drink, or do whatever else/little naive girl to waking up and finding out what life is about. There are so many things that I have yet to experience and I find that part of it is because I’ve been so sheltered. Not that it was a wrong thing to do–I’m very thankful for the innocence my parents were able to instill in me, and how innocent I am to this very day on a lot of things. But there are things that I know and/or feel that I could have been allowed that wouldnt not have been “of God” so to say.

I’m not sure if this is even making any sense….I just feel like I’m slowly metamorphosing into another person and I’m not quite sure who she is or what she believes in completely. I know that my Savior is someone that I should be completely in love with…and yet I’m not there. Praying out loud scares me and I hate doing it…no matter how much certain people nag me about it. In fact, I’m going to go as far as to say that I usually take a distraction over spending time w. Jesus…and thats just so shameful of me. But why? Why do I view it as shameful? Is it shameful because it would show to others I’m not the good christian girl who’s so in love with God that I spend every waking hour talking to him? Or is it shameful because my spirit is not intune to His and I know and feel it and yet am choosing not too? I think its the answer to these questions that is starting to define me. I’m realizing that I’m not the goody-two shoes that I grew up as. I don’t have everything together and I definitely don’t know Christ as I should. But I’m not afraid anymore to admit that. This is who I am. This is who Christ has reedemed. And you know what? Its a beautiful thing. Because its through this struggle with myself that I’m finding Christ; its through this questioning of myself that He’s revealing to me just who He wants me to be. But its a choice of going after Him and listening and accepting the growth that is about to happen.

Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.

Its in this transition that I’m fully relating to Paul’s words in Romans 7:

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.

For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;

but I see another law at work in the members of my body,

waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.

What a wretched man I am!

Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Thanks be to God–through Jesus Christ our Lord!

It is those last 2 lines that hold such a promise to me. I know that God is going to transform me into the person that I’m supposed to be. Its a matter of tuning in to his Spirit and allowing Him to work in my life….because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God…and, well, the same goes for daughters.

its time to woman up.

The good news of Jesus brings interruptions in peoples lives…and I could use a good interruption.

I feel as though I am about to realize what it means to become a good steward of my time. I calculated it out today at work and realized that I’m about to work a 60+ hour week; of which 31 of those hours will be worked between thursday and friday. Yea…and I thought school was going to be stressful??? Its ok though. I have this strange peace about it all; as if I’m standing exactly where I am supposed to be; a feeling that I never had about school since the middle of sophomore year. Its pretty swell. I am nervous about actually starting my job tomorrow. Training and all. I know I’ll be okay and that I already know what I’ve gotten myself into thanks to the “work a day in the life of” last week. Its just, I’ve never had co-workers like this before. In fact, I’ve hardly ever surrounded myself with people like this before. I’m pretty sure this is God’s way of getting me to be uncomfortable and to learn how to love people. Which is something I know I need to work on, and I’ve known that for a while. I guess this is what I get for telling God I want to be challenged, right? Eth even mentioned the other day when we were talking how I need to learn to love on people who I might not necessarily get along with. The statement hurt because I’d like to think of myself as the type of person who can. But that’s not necessarily true. I just kind of clammed up and didn’t respond. I do that when people confront me with things I need to fix. But I shouldn’t. Sometimes God uses people to speak into our lives so that we can grow. Its a matter of if we are listening or not.

I guess I just want God’s favor in a lot of different aspects of my life right now. I want His favor in my jobs: in my interactions with my co-workers and customers, how I handle myself under stress, how to respond in different situations that I’ve never had to deal with before, how to stay pure in my thoughts and actions when I’m surrounded by cussing and attitudes that are so distant from God’s love. I want His favor in wherever this “relationship” with this guy is going: either friends or more–I just want clarity and peace about it all. I want His favor on what I’m doing with my life and in my life: that He’s constantly challenging me–expanding my thoughts and ideas and in essence, making me into what He would have me to be. I want His favor over my time with Him: that I would not just do what a christian is to do just because its “right”, but because He deserves my time; because He deserves my awe and my praise and my all. I want His favor with my relationships with my friends: not only to those I still keep in contact with, but those who I seemed to have burned bridges with. I just honestly want His favor over my life.

Pastor Tyler was talking about how favor means asking God to use us how he would and to provide for the needs that we encounter. I want God’s favor over and in my life so that when I meet people in need I can help them. And all for His glory, because its certainly not my own. I can barely help myself. I want to be able to pull people up from their mourning and into gladness. I want to show them a spirit of life and lightheartedness instead of despair. I want to show them Who is love and that He loves them so incredibly much. I want them to know that they are sought after by Jesus. I just don’t want to sit around and let my life be a waste when there is so much that I know He could be using me for. I want to be used.

Only let us live up to what we have already attained. -Phillippians 3:16

–I don’t know about you, but I’ve attained life, freedom, joy, love, and a crown that says I am a daughter of the Most High King. I need to start acting like I’ve already attained it, instead of acting like I need to earn it.

Grace, mercy, peace, and love be upon you.

its oh-ten sucka!!!

Over a year later and I’m back on this. I guess needing a way to get my thoughts out will always be needed. Its a good thing though. =]

So lets see…what’s happened this past year. I can now be classified as a college dropout barista who loves to bake and is currently working two jobs in order to solely support herself without adding to the national debt that is America. I also have a newly enhanced love of going to shows, going on road trips, and am defining myself in the process. Basically, I’m becoming the typical 21 year old who has reached the point of discovering themself and what God has in store for them. Its pretty chill. Especially the whole figuring out what God has in store for me bit. That’s the chillest part yet. So far I’ve figured out that He’s giving me new passions and that I’m actually pretty good at them. To the point that I’m starting to dream up ideas of what I might want to do in the future. And the opportunities that I’m running across are just fantastic door openings. One day I know I’ll go back and finish college….but I have no qualms about being a drop-out for now; in fact, its perfectly exciting.

I think this new job is going to stretch me–in a good way. I’m hoping that God does a work in me alone that drops the boundaries that I put up a lot of the time. Those boundaries aren’t going to work in a place like this. Its all about showing love to people and that is something I’ll be growing in.

Anyways. That’s all I got. I’m getting sidetracked by The Big Bang Theory….i forgot how funny season one is. ha!

peace, love, freshly baked bread and rosettas on your coffee.