You are stronger than any terrible possible scenario today

There’s a calm about the mornings that I enjoy; its something I can’t grasp at any given point in the day. Maybe its the crisp morning air, full of dew and rising sun, as I sit listening to the birds sing. Maybe its the fact that its so quiet I can hear my thoughts and actually pay attention to Jesus without distractions. The combination of the two was just awesome this morning, especially seeing the sky break out into radiant oranges and pinks before finally settling on this sunny blue. Whatever it was, I needed that quiet time. I needed the reassurance, that while I may be a stupid, idiotic woman most of the time, that Christ has it under control and will help me overcome it…or at least will help me work through it.

I’m not really sure where in my walk with Jesus I am. There was a point in time that I just knew with all my heart that I was going to be on the mission field; doing something in a Spanish speaking country. I was in love with the language and the people and history. I’m not sure what happened. I remember spouting off phrase to Bobby and Sarah all the time; reading my Spanish/English Bible and all I know is at some point I just stopped. There was a point in time I just knew that He called me to be a worship leader. I loved every aspect of it…until I let the praises go to my head and stopped worshiping to worship but, in an essence, to be praised for my talent. Once I realized what I was doing, I stopped and haven’t done anything of the sort for about 2 years now; instead, praising God how he should be praised–with my whole heart. There was a point in time where I knew that I was going to finish school early; by a year-and-a-half in fact. By the time I finished sophomore year, I was a few credits off from being a senior. Then burn-out hit me, and now I find myself a college drop-out for the time being. I’m just so unsure of what is it I’m doing and where exactly I’m supposed to be going. I had/have dreams of traveling; of seeing places; of not being tied down to one location for good. Did I give up on those dreams? Am I settling for something instead of actually taking the bait that God has set before me to do things that will actually fulfill me? Things that will fulfill me in aspects that can only be through His providence and guidance? I’m just not sure anymore. I don’t have any drive, any ambition. I know God calls us to rest and to be still and quiet for a while, but I can’t figure out if this is Him telling me to shut-up and be quiet, or if its from sheer laziness and lack of motivation on my part.

Living
Am I really living
Or am I just existing
Hiding away

Danger
The world is full of danger
But if I never try to go outside
My heart will waste away

Come and save me
You’re the only source of all the peace I need
Come and save me

You tell me life will not be pain free
What will be will always be in your control
Darkness is light to you
And all you ask me to do
Is trust what you say is true

You are stronger
Than any terrible possible scenario today
Come and save me
You’re the only source of all the peace I need
Come and save me

Save me.

figuring things out...

…because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. (Romans 8: 14)

I’ve been wondering lately just how “christianized” my life has been and is now. If I do certain things just because its the “christian” way of doing so. I’ve been second-guessing things I’ve grown up believing to be wrong, or not of God. I’ve begun to realize that I’m not necessarily as sweet as I used to be…I’m not saying that I’m a sweet girl, but rather that I’m realizing the way in which I conduct myself around others is not the same. I’m more crass. I’ve started to get a mouth in which my mother would wash out with soap if she ever heard me. In fact, I’m amazed that I’ve actually allowed myself to do this. And no, I can’t blame the people around me. I’m not stupid enough to even think that. Its a personal thing. But I can’t figure out where this is coming from. Is it years of rebellion that is finally breaking free as I’m coming into my own person? I’m living on my own for the first time ever (legitimatally). I’m working two jobs to pay my bills and learning that money is an issue…as well as trusting God to work. I’ve gone from the i have to call my parents multiple times a day/listening to anything other than christian music is wrong/you shouldnt cuss, drink, or do whatever else/little naive girl to waking up and finding out what life is about. There are so many things that I have yet to experience and I find that part of it is because I’ve been so sheltered. Not that it was a wrong thing to do–I’m very thankful for the innocence my parents were able to instill in me, and how innocent I am to this very day on a lot of things. But there are things that I know and/or feel that I could have been allowed that wouldnt not have been “of God” so to say.

I’m not sure if this is even making any sense….I just feel like I’m slowly metamorphosing into another person and I’m not quite sure who she is or what she believes in completely. I know that my Savior is someone that I should be completely in love with…and yet I’m not there. Praying out loud scares me and I hate doing it…no matter how much certain people nag me about it. In fact, I’m going to go as far as to say that I usually take a distraction over spending time w. Jesus…and thats just so shameful of me. But why? Why do I view it as shameful? Is it shameful because it would show to others I’m not the good christian girl who’s so in love with God that I spend every waking hour talking to him? Or is it shameful because my spirit is not intune to His and I know and feel it and yet am choosing not too? I think its the answer to these questions that is starting to define me. I’m realizing that I’m not the goody-two shoes that I grew up as. I don’t have everything together and I definitely don’t know Christ as I should. But I’m not afraid anymore to admit that. This is who I am. This is who Christ has reedemed. And you know what? Its a beautiful thing. Because its through this struggle with myself that I’m finding Christ; its through this questioning of myself that He’s revealing to me just who He wants me to be. But its a choice of going after Him and listening and accepting the growth that is about to happen.

Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.

Its in this transition that I’m fully relating to Paul’s words in Romans 7:

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.

For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;

but I see another law at work in the members of my body,

waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.

What a wretched man I am!

Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Thanks be to God–through Jesus Christ our Lord!

It is those last 2 lines that hold such a promise to me. I know that God is going to transform me into the person that I’m supposed to be. Its a matter of tuning in to his Spirit and allowing Him to work in my life….because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God…and, well, the same goes for daughters.

its time to woman up.

The good news of Jesus brings interruptions in peoples lives…and I could use a good interruption.

I feel as though I am about to realize what it means to become a good steward of my time. I calculated it out today at work and realized that I’m about to work a 60+ hour week; of which 31 of those hours will be worked between thursday and friday. Yea…and I thought school was going to be stressful??? Its ok though. I have this strange peace about it all; as if I’m standing exactly where I am supposed to be; a feeling that I never had about school since the middle of sophomore year. Its pretty swell. I am nervous about actually starting my job tomorrow. Training and all. I know I’ll be okay and that I already know what I’ve gotten myself into thanks to the “work a day in the life of” last week. Its just, I’ve never had co-workers like this before. In fact, I’ve hardly ever surrounded myself with people like this before. I’m pretty sure this is God’s way of getting me to be uncomfortable and to learn how to love people. Which is something I know I need to work on, and I’ve known that for a while. I guess this is what I get for telling God I want to be challenged, right? Eth even mentioned the other day when we were talking how I need to learn to love on people who I might not necessarily get along with. The statement hurt because I’d like to think of myself as the type of person who can. But that’s not necessarily true. I just kind of clammed up and didn’t respond. I do that when people confront me with things I need to fix. But I shouldn’t. Sometimes God uses people to speak into our lives so that we can grow. Its a matter of if we are listening or not.

I guess I just want God’s favor in a lot of different aspects of my life right now. I want His favor in my jobs: in my interactions with my co-workers and customers, how I handle myself under stress, how to respond in different situations that I’ve never had to deal with before, how to stay pure in my thoughts and actions when I’m surrounded by cussing and attitudes that are so distant from God’s love. I want His favor in wherever this “relationship” with this guy is going: either friends or more–I just want clarity and peace about it all. I want His favor on what I’m doing with my life and in my life: that He’s constantly challenging me–expanding my thoughts and ideas and in essence, making me into what He would have me to be. I want His favor over my time with Him: that I would not just do what a christian is to do just because its “right”, but because He deserves my time; because He deserves my awe and my praise and my all. I want His favor with my relationships with my friends: not only to those I still keep in contact with, but those who I seemed to have burned bridges with. I just honestly want His favor over my life.

Pastor Tyler was talking about how favor means asking God to use us how he would and to provide for the needs that we encounter. I want God’s favor over and in my life so that when I meet people in need I can help them. And all for His glory, because its certainly not my own. I can barely help myself. I want to be able to pull people up from their mourning and into gladness. I want to show them a spirit of life and lightheartedness instead of despair. I want to show them Who is love and that He loves them so incredibly much. I want them to know that they are sought after by Jesus. I just don’t want to sit around and let my life be a waste when there is so much that I know He could be using me for. I want to be used.

Only let us live up to what we have already attained. -Phillippians 3:16

–I don’t know about you, but I’ve attained life, freedom, joy, love, and a crown that says I am a daughter of the Most High King. I need to start acting like I’ve already attained it, instead of acting like I need to earn it.

Grace, mercy, peace, and love be upon you.

its oh-ten sucka!!!

Over a year later and I’m back on this. I guess needing a way to get my thoughts out will always be needed. Its a good thing though. =]

So lets see…what’s happened this past year. I can now be classified as a college dropout barista who loves to bake and is currently working two jobs in order to solely support herself without adding to the national debt that is America. I also have a newly enhanced love of going to shows, going on road trips, and am defining myself in the process. Basically, I’m becoming the typical 21 year old who has reached the point of discovering themself and what God has in store for them. Its pretty chill. Especially the whole figuring out what God has in store for me bit. That’s the chillest part yet. So far I’ve figured out that He’s giving me new passions and that I’m actually pretty good at them. To the point that I’m starting to dream up ideas of what I might want to do in the future. And the opportunities that I’m running across are just fantastic door openings. One day I know I’ll go back and finish college….but I have no qualms about being a drop-out for now; in fact, its perfectly exciting.

I think this new job is going to stretch me–in a good way. I’m hoping that God does a work in me alone that drops the boundaries that I put up a lot of the time. Those boundaries aren’t going to work in a place like this. Its all about showing love to people and that is something I’ll be growing in.

Anyways. That’s all I got. I’m getting sidetracked by The Big Bang Theory….i forgot how funny season one is. ha!

peace, love, freshly baked bread and rosettas on your coffee.