if only we lived like this...

To the church-
Grace and peace be unto you.
I always thank God for all of you, mentioning you in my prayers.
I continually remember before my God and Father your work produced by faith,
your labor prompted by love,
and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.
I know that he has chosen you,
because the gospel came to you not simply with words,
but also with power,
with the Holy Spirit,
and with deep conviction.
Your faith in God has become known everywhere.
Do not put out the Spirit's fire.
May God himself-the God of peace,
sanctify you through and through.
The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.
May our Lord Jesus Christ encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.
Grace be with you.

I feel so unsatisfied. I also feel completely selfish and immature for saying that, but its a true statement. Some of it has to do with school and the fact that exams are upon us now. Yet, once again, I could care less. I’d rather hang out with my friends then study; I’ve fallen back into the thinking of “well, since I haven’t done well on my tests, theres no way I can pass the class” and I just honestly don’t care. I’ve started thinking that I’d rather be working next semester; forget school, forget classes, forget it all-just work and get some money saved up once again. Yet, I’m afraid if I do that, then I’ll never come back here, either by stuff always coming up and I never get around to getting a degree, or that the college won’t let me back in since my gpa is so low. I’m honestly surprised that the college hasn’t contacted me about my low gpa and given me a warning as of yet…we’ll see how it is in a few weeks once grades have been posted.

…I know I feel like God has told me that something along the lines of missions work is in my future-I just don’t know what. I know that in order to do Chi Alpha I have to have a degree. But what if its not Chi Alpha and what if the question is when am I supposed to be getting that degree and is now the time to do so? I hate the thought of just wasting money on school when I’m not doing so well. I’d rather get a job and work. And yet, I know that if I did get a job and started working that I’d just complain about that as much as I do with school.

I feel like such a scumbag whenever people tell me that they are having to worry about financial aid, or scholarships, or loans when dealing with college. I have it easy. I’ve made it through basically on my inheiritance from my Opa, minus a semester that my parents paid for. So technically I am wasting my own money doing something I hate; complaining day in and day out, and yet I do nothing to change it. I’m sick of school. But I’m afraid to drop out. Not just because of what people will say and think whenever they see me or whenever my name comes up in conversations, but I’m scared of what I’d have to do next. I’ve known nothing but school for the past 16 years of my life. Sure, I held a part-time job in high school, and two jobs one summer during college, but there’s a difference between going to school, part-time job on the side, and just doing a full-time job with no school added. A major difference.

I just don’t care. Which is a major part of the problem. I want to find something that I am passionette about doing; something I can see myself doing daily and not being bored at it. But I haven’t found it. Most of my friends get so excited when talking about what they want to do, and me-I feel ashamed. I have no idea. I have no passion. I want to figure out what my passion is, but I don’t want to waste the money on it.

I just wish I had the answers now instead of waiting to see whats going to happen. I really need to spend some time praying on this all, but lately I haven’t even been spending time with God. And when I do, its quick. Nothing taken in, nothing understood, but just words blending all into one phrase of “oh yea, I read my Bible today”. And I can’t tell anyone this. Well, I guess I could (especially since I’m telling basically the whole world here) but I’d be just too ashamed. It’s hard to tell people when you are failing in something, its hard to open up that part of yourself. But I can see it affecting me: I’m becoming more snappy, complaining more (something I hate about myself and try as I might I guess I’m not doing a very good job at breaking that habit as the guys keep bringing it to my attention), and the likes.

I feel like I’ve just wasted an entire semester and I have nothing to show for it. Sure, I’ve had some laughs and some fun. But have I honestly done anything that is really affecting? Have I allowed God to minister through me in any way? Have I connected better with people then before? Have I have I have I have???? There are just so many of those questions floating in my head, and I’m afraid the answer is a resounding “no” which disappoints me to the core. For someone who’s heart wants and even longs to be in the right place, my actions sure don’t show it.

I just wish…I don’t even know what I wish…and thats the sad part.

my prayer...

You know my folly, O God;
my guilt is not hidden from you.
May those who hope in you
not be disgraced because of me.
May those who seek you
not be put to shame because of me.

Sovereign Lord

The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue,
to know the word that sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by morning,
wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.
The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears,
and I have not been rebellious;
I have not drawn back.

I offered my back to those who beat me,
my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard;
I did not hide my face from mocking and spitting.
Because the Sovereign Lord helps me,
I will not be disgraced.
Therefore have I set my face like flint,
and I know I will not be put to shame.

He who vindicates me is near.
Who then will bring charges against me?
Let us face each other!
Who is my accuser?
Let him confront me!
It is the Sovereign Lord who helps me.
Who is he that will condemn me?
They will all wear out like a garment;
the moths will eat them up.
Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.

-Isaiah 50:4-10

and so begins my presidency...

I'm Chi Alpha's new president.

Stunned? I was.

Hargett called me into the office today and told me that I was taking over for Bobby. No elections, no running, no voting. Perfect way to win a presidency if you ask me. :) Still though, I feel like I've somehow cheated my way into it. Sure there was no one technically in the running, especially since I didn't even know that a change of leadership was happening, nor did anyone else. But I still feel as though I don't deserve it; I know I don't deserve it. I mean, I finally stepped up in leadership this year, but all I really do is organize and arrange things. I'm a "2nd leader" for the Truth Project Lifegroup and I don't do anything there. I don't do one-on-ones with people because I clearly don't feel like God has given me a pastoral/shepherd mindset that would be needed (which doesn't quite make sense with the direction I feel that He's calling me....so somehow that quality is going to need to show up somehow I'm thinking...unless I'm just totally mis-reading what He's been showing me). Aspects such as: I'm a "complainer"; I'm "judgmental"; I'm "too loud"; and that I'm "annoying" are basically some, but not all, daily phrases I hear when hanging out with the guys. I just don't see why he didn't pick someone with better qualities; better spiritual qualities even. I know I'm growing closer to God, especially ever since I finally accepted his calling on my life, but when I get around the guys and they start having spiritual debates, or discussions on the Word-I feel like such a failure. I dwell in the Word daily, and yet if you were to ask me what I had read the day before, I probably wouldn't be able to tell you just because I don't retain what I read that well (which is odd because I love reading so much). Obviously there has to be characteristics in me that Hargett sees in order to entrust me like this, but I guess because I know my flaws I just can't see it. And there's not much that this "presidency" even entails; just some emails from the college that I'll need to keep up with to make sure deadlines are met on whatever they need; but still. I almost can't help thinking that he gave me it because I am good at organizing and detailing events and whatnot, which is fine because I know its one of my spiritual gifts that God has given me.

I was so excited about this earlier this afternoon, but now I question it. It was one thing to accept the fact that God was calling me into a leadership role to begin with...but now to be "in charge" of a group...that's a whole different idea. Then again...perhaps He's preparing me for something with Chi Alpha down the line. Maybe its not so much the missionary aspect, like the Hargetts or Moodys, but more of the administration of Chi Alpha as a whole, like Dennis Gaylor...or something like that. Even if it is more of what Gaylor does, its still missionary work, which would definitely fill the calling that I feel, but it would also play into what giftings God's placed in me. And now that I've thought this out in a way I can physically see it, instead of just jumbled up in my head, I'm getting excited once again. I'm excited to see what growth and opportunities He's going to use this "presidency" for. I'm excited to see just how He's going to play this all out. I'm excited to see just how much He is going to stretch/push/pull/prod me and grow me-spirtually, mentally, and physically throughout this all. I'm excited about not only the ups but the downfalls, the lows, that I'm going to go through. Because I know that He's got it under control and its in His hands.

So yea, I'm the new Chi Alpha president.

And I'm totally giving it up to God.

A Psalm

Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.
Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths.
Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior
and my hope is in you all day long.

For the sake of your name, O Lord,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
Test me, O Lord, and try me,
examine my heart and my mind.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
My eyes are forever on the Lord,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

Hear my cry for mercy
as I call to you for help;
as I lift my hands towards your Most Holy Place.
Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.

Who is this King of Glory?
The Lord Almighty-
He is the King of Glory.
Praise be to the Lord,
for he showed his wonderful love to me.
Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord.
Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous.
Sing, all you who are upright in heart!

(taken from Psalms 25-28, 31, & 32)

i know not

i play a mournful song but for what?
what reason?
what stirs my soul that brings forth this?
i know not.
i only know that it grows.
more melodious than the day before.
more mournful than the hours past.
what is this that has my heart?
what is this that has me undone?
i know not.