There’s a calm about the mornings that I enjoy; its something I can’t grasp at any given point in the day. Maybe its the crisp morning air, full of dew and rising sun, as I sit listening to the birds sing. Maybe its the fact that its so quiet I can hear my thoughts and actually pay attention to Jesus without distractions. The combination of the two was just awesome this morning, especially seeing the sky break out into radiant oranges and pinks before finally settling on this sunny blue. Whatever it was, I needed that quiet time. I needed the reassurance, that while I may be a stupid, idiotic woman most of the time, that Christ has it under control and will help me overcome it…or at least will help me work through it.
I’m not really sure where in my walk with Jesus I am. There was a point in time that I just knew with all my heart that I was going to be on the mission field; doing something in a Spanish speaking country. I was in love with the language and the people and history. I’m not sure what happened. I remember spouting off phrase to Bobby and Sarah all the time; reading my Spanish/English Bible and all I know is at some point I just stopped. There was a point in time I just knew that He called me to be a worship leader. I loved every aspect of it…until I let the praises go to my head and stopped worshiping to worship but, in an essence, to be praised for my talent. Once I realized what I was doing, I stopped and haven’t done anything of the sort for about 2 years now; instead, praising God how he should be praised–with my whole heart. There was a point in time where I knew that I was going to finish school early; by a year-and-a-half in fact. By the time I finished sophomore year, I was a few credits off from being a senior. Then burn-out hit me, and now I find myself a college drop-out for the time being. I’m just so unsure of what is it I’m doing and where exactly I’m supposed to be going. I had/have dreams of traveling; of seeing places; of not being tied down to one location for good. Did I give up on those dreams? Am I settling for something instead of actually taking the bait that God has set before me to do things that will actually fulfill me? Things that will fulfill me in aspects that can only be through His providence and guidance? I’m just not sure anymore. I don’t have any drive, any ambition. I know God calls us to rest and to be still and quiet for a while, but I can’t figure out if this is Him telling me to shut-up and be quiet, or if its from sheer laziness and lack of motivation on my part.
Living
Am I really living
Or am I just existing
Hiding away
Danger
The world is full of danger
But if I never try to go outside
My heart will waste away
Come and save me
You’re the only source of all the peace I need
Come and save me
You tell me life will not be pain free
What will be will always be in your control
Darkness is light to you
And all you ask me to do
Is trust what you say is true
You are stronger
Than any terrible possible scenario today
Come and save me
You’re the only source of all the peace I need
Come and save me
